I accidentally burped into my bong.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
