i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
