I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
