she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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