I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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