Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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