Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
