I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
