When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
