i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
