Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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