Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
