Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
