have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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