she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
