i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
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