So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
