My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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