Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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