Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
