so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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