Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
