nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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