Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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