you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
