i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
