just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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