I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
