When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
