im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
In other news, I just burned my penis
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
