it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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