Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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