the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
