Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
