Apparently you make a good broom.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
