i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
