Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
In America we eat man semen.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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