I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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