Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
