We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
