I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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