At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
