it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
