I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
