So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
