I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Randomize
