I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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