you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
