like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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