I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
