I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
