No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
