I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
