Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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