I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
