I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Randomize
