One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
