"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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